By Mars Dorian, Contributing {grow} Columnist
I am a self-proclaimed social media rockstar, without any credentials, so I feel more than qualified to present you with the Ultimate Guide to Becoming a Blogging Superstar.
Warning: The following blog post will help you gain instant money & fame. This is guaranteed, or your money back, which you didn’t pay, so there’s no conflict of interest here.
Step one.
Read anything by the following list of authors:
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- 1) Seth Godin – “Tribes”
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- 2) Seth Godin – “Purple Cow”
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- 3) Seth Godin – “Linchpin”
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- 4) Seth Godin – “We’re All Weird”
- 5) Seth Godin – “The Icarus Deception”
Read, but don’t question anything. Remember, the word GOD is in Godin, so that must tell you something. Absorb his knowledge, then infuse it into your own writing. Then, pretend that it’s your own.
Step two.
Start blogging immediately. Blog about blogging better. Don’t worry if you have no real advice or insight. That’s optional. Be sure to include the following key words and phrases:
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- “Do something remarkable”
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- “Make art”
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- “Be a purple cow”
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- “Disrupt”
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- “Build your tribe”
- “Be authentic”
Occasionally, infuse cool words like “synergy,” “integrated strategy,” and “mobile marketing” and you sound like you know what you’re talking about.
Bonus tip! The secret to effective content marketing is being vague. My mother always says, “If you can’t convince, try at least to confuse.” That’s why instead of showing results and metrics, you should simply explain yourself with trendy terms:
“Profits? I’m too busy joining the conversation.”
“Just. Be. Amazing.”
“Failing is the true path to success.”
Also, use hashtags #constantly. This proves you’re a #Guru. #Winning #BlogPorn
Don’t bother explaining how and why you do anything. If Seth Godin doesn’t give out formulas, neither should you.
Bonus tip! If you’re aiming at a B2B market, make people feel at home by using the same bureaucratic jargon they use. Here is an example of an ideal Mission Statement for a B2B Blog:
“We implement social media strategies such as on-site and off-site SEO tactics and sales conversion procedures that optimize our online platform reach and help you accumulate highly active online devotees.”
If the message is still too clear, simply add more jargon until it fits.
Bonus tip! If you’re aiming for entrepreneurs and small business owners with your blog, create a “manifesto” instead of a mission statement. If your product sucks, try explaining that it is still a really good cause.
What does this all mean? I don’t know, but neither does anyone else, so you’re good to go.
Step 3.
Buy cool glasses. Glasses make the guru.
Step 4.
If you have written 2-3 blog posts, or you have been blogging for a week (whichever comes first) it is time to start thinking about monetization. Here are can’t miss ways to blog your way to #financial #freedom.
1) Create a PDF eBook.
Even though PDF is an outdated format that doesn’t adjust to (mobile) screens, it’s still the perfect way for Superstar Bloggers to charge over-the-top sums. Price it between 37 – 97 dollars. It doesn’t matter as long as it ends with a 7. Why? Don’t question, just do it.
2) Add more stuff.
When your PDF guide sells at least three copies, you are now known as a “best-selling author” and are well-positioned to do consulting and a stint on the speaking circuit. Congratulations. In just two weeks, you have hit the level of EXPERT!
3) Members ahoy!
Once you’re an EXPERT, it’s time to expand your online business. Create a membership site and sell access for $97 (valued at $297).
Create a compelling sales page and ask the influencers in your field to give you amazing testimonials. In fact, just write the testimonial for them! They’ll never check out your product, but if they like you, they might give you a generic compliment like this: “She is amazing! Her guide is a true game changer which will change your business! I even intend to read this book at some point.”
4) Rinse and repeat.
Boom! You’re a blogging, social media rockstar!
I’ve covered a lot of ground here and you may still have some questions. I’ve got you covered:
Frequently asked questions
1) Don’t I need any credentials or at least expertise in my subject matter?
No, that’s the beauty of the blogging strategy. Unlike a doctor or lawyer, you neither need a degree nor do you need to know what you’re doing. For all I know, your dog could be a social media expert. But don’t tell him that, he might end up as your competitor!
2) I don’t have any experience, and I don’t want to lie. What should I do?
You worry too much. Here’s how to become an expert in a jiffy:
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- Create a Facebook page for your mom. This is how it shows up in your bio: “I’m helping small business owners implement social media strategies.”
Ask your friend to buy one of your eBooks for a dollar. You can then claim that you’re making money online! You can even give the dollar BACK!
Help a friend with 1 Twitter follower reach 3. You can then say: Increased client’s Twitter fanbase by 300% !
Remember – don’t lie online! It’s all about being authentic.
3) Isn’t this really just about making money by teaching others how to make money online?
Isn’t life really about dying? Isn’t standing really just sitting on your feet?
Please. Ditch the philosophical questions and get your blog on. Those overpriced PDF guides don’t sell themselves, you know!
In conclusion, being a pro-blogging social media superstar seems daunting, but I just showed you that you too can be a guru. And if you’re running out of topics, just read more Seth Godin. If you waver from the formula and accidently create something original, keep a copy of this blog post nearby for safe keeping so you can get back on track.
No need to thank me.
Original illustration by the author.