It’s going to be 66 degrees and sunny in Tennessee today. Discuss.  : )

It’s true. I’ve found a can’t miss business opportunity that I wanted to pass on to my wonderful {grow} community! Microsoft is sending me valuable, free software, just by asking.  Hey you can get it too! Here’s how …

In December, I purchased a new computer and ordered replacement disks for both Microsoft Office and Outlook Business Edition (basically my CRM). 

About 10 days later, I received the Office software … but no Outlook. I waited another week and still didn’t have Outlook so I called Microsoft again. They had no explanation for the missing software and said told me they would have to re-order.

After two weeks I finally received a box in the mail. It was another copy of  OFFICE!  I called Microsoft again … they had no explanation but placed another order.  I asked them what I should do with the Office, and the re-order fellow said that he had no idea.

After another two weeks, I still did not have Outlook. I called a fourth time. This time the representative said the software was out of stock and that it would be another three weeks before I would have the software.

I just have to ask — how can a software company run out of software? Can’t they literally make infinite supplies of the stuff as long as they have shiny silver disks?

After three weeks, I finally got the disk. If you’ve been following along, it took me two and half months to get a copy of Microsoft Outlook.

A month later, I received two more suspicious-looking boxes in the mail.  Each box contained another brand-new edition of Outlook. Huh???

So now I have two copies of Outlook and one copy of Office that I don’t want, don’t need, and don’t know what to do with. Microsoft has sent me $600 worth of software and I didn’t even have to ask for it!

It seems like Microsoft has taken the “free” business model to a new extreme.  So now what do I do? Ethically, I need to return the software. But I am simply fed up with the time I’ve wated on this and can’t even bear the thought of calling these goofballs to have them figure out what I do next!

How can a company this big and this important botch a simple software shipment?  Maybe they need to use Outlook Business Edition. Works pretty well.

I have a new follower this week.  And this is her Twitter profile.

Notice anything odd?  Of course you did … you already read my headline and your momma didn’t raise no dummy.

When I saw this anomaly I tweeted it out and asked for ideas on how something like this could occur. A couple of the many replies I received:

CarpData

@markwschaefer devil’s advocate: not everyone on twitter is a biz, or has a purpose. maybe a 3rd party app is using as a membership engine

jaywilliamsPR

@markwschaeferre: missprisci – check out her 1,000-yard stare. She’s as mad as a box of frogs.

neicolec

@markwschaefer I think “she” is associated with this (weight loss) site. http://priscillaproberts.com/ Looks like she’s building a following

tnrkitect

@markwschaefer they are using one of those automated follow services. Not sure how they get around the limit, but they do.

greglinn

@markwschaefer And she’s on 19 lists, but still no tweets!

For the record, I sent Priscilla a DM, expressing my genuine curiosity.  No response … no surprise either!

What’s your take on this?

1)  How can somebody skirt the Twitter system and get 7,000 folowers with nary a tweet?

2) Let’s say I did follow her back.  What are the implications?  How would missprisc use me to make money for her nefarious weight loss schemes?

3) And why is she mad as a box of frogs?

Miss Priscilla P. Roberts, why torment me like this?  You are such a little Twitter Tease.

This week I had problems with every piece of hardware, every piece of software, and every technology service provider important to my business.  In the spirit of technology anxiety, I offer this photo as the best use for a computer.  Also, the keyboard can be used as a very stylish serving tray for an assortment of cheese and crackers.

This picture was sent to me by my friend Carrie. We went to kindergarten together.   Only kindergarten.   She found me on Facebook.  Pretty cool.  OK, maybe technology ain’t all bad.

One thing about blogging –  Headlines matter!  And this is what I’ve learned from standing at the grocery checkout line:  Nobody does headlines better than Cosmopolitan magazine.

So I’ve decided to tear a page from the Cosmo playbook and make my blog fresher and sexier.  Here are the upcoming {grow} posts you can look forward to in 2010:

• RSS — Really Sensational Sex!
• Five steps to a curvy new blog
• Pete Cashmore: Our sexy uber nerd!
• 10 ways to tone your butt while text messaging
• Your best sex ever!  They don’t call it the mashup for nothing
• The Amanda Chapel Diet – Swearing your way to a sexy new you
• America’s hottest tweetup cities!
• From You Tubby to YouTube — Techniques to make you look 10 pounds thinner!
• Facebook break-ups!  Your most outrageous stories!
• Google: The REAL “G Spot!”
• Ten make-up tips for looking good even in those stupid little Twitter pictures
• Chris Brogan’s total makeover

So what do you think?  Am I on to something here?  Have I become too sexy for my blog?

Disclosure: For those of you who may be new to this blog, this is an attempt to be amusing.   I do it now and then to spice things up a bit around here. 

I’m Merry. I’m Jolly.  I’m in the Holiday Spirit. But this is just dumb.

Illustration: http://www.trendhunter.com/slideshow/unconventional-warmers

I had  just listened to a Jethro Tull album on my iPod and then saw on my news alerts that the rock band is launching a new, massive tour of the U.S.  To me, this is the universe telling me I need to write a blog about Jethro Tull. This is how my mind works by Friday.

If you give me a minute, I PROMISE there will be an illuminating point at the end that will make you gasp in wonder. 

When I was a boy, Jethro Tull was the most amazing band around, combining blues, rock, folk and classical music in incredibly complex tunes. They made an entire album that was one song.  Twice.  Their great rock anthem “Aqualung” was about a homeless pervert.  Their live concerts were theatrical spectacles.  JT was the coolest of the cool.

Since about 1980, most of their music has been crap.  They have not had a hit song since the 1970s. That hit was “Bungle in the Jungle” which is arguably the worst song ever written. The two core musicians, Ian Anderson and Martin Barre are bald and in their 60’s and Ian just can’t hit the high notes any more.  They continue to limp around the world, playing to elderly, devoted fans.

Like me.

Why would I stick with a band long after they have been relevant … or even very good?  Because there is a deep emotional attachment there. Their music and image evokes some of the best, most exciting times of my youth, some of the best years of rock music.  Jethro Tull MEANS SOMETHING to me!

OK, here is the point you’ve been waiting for.  The world’s greatest marketing associates emotional meaning with a product. Coca-Cola.  Apple.  BMW.  Each evokes an emotion and meaning.  The brands mean something to the customers. Just like Jethro Tull.  Ready … set … gasp!

This is my goal: to build an emotional connection with my readers so they will still love me even when I’m old and writing crap. (This is when you say: “Like today?”)

Have a great weekend!

REALLY?

I dissected his follower list (public information) and estimated HALF were “trash,” meaning they were spam-generated, get-rich quick spammers, or porn. Those followers are not going to be effective in receiving or re-transmitting any message of “influence.” So that brings us down to 40,000 potentially effective followers in TK’s community.

Harvard released a study this month showing that among the people who don’t quit, the median number of lifetime tweets is one. I think it’s reasonable to define an “active user” as somebody who tweets at least once a day (less than 15%). Applying that reasonable logic, the number of ACTIVE users this media mogul brags about is actually 4,060.

Holy crap the U.S. Justice Department is reading my blog.

I know this through the wonders of my analytics program.  Specifically, they are reading the article on the pizza joint that was sued for libel and the companion piece on handling this crisis.

This is unnerving.  I’m wondering why they’re interested in me.  After all, the whole thing was NOT my idea in the first place … but I will NEVER reveal my sources!   COUGH COUGH steve COUGH farnsworth.

Did I mention I have a cold?

By the way, I have an announcement to make. I am changing the name of my blog to “FARNSWORTH.”   This is something I have put a lot of thought into … many months of deliberation.  I only think it’s fair since virtually all of my content has been derived from Steve Farnsworth of Menlo Park California.  I am basically just a mouthpiece.  

Yesterday Steve Farnsworth of Menlo Park California also announced he is changing his Twitter handle from @TheRealPRMan to @ItsSchaefersFault.  I find the timing of this curious.

In a counter move, I am changing my Twitter handle to @SteveFarnsworth_IsHidingInMenloParkCalifornia.

I would like to say to all of my loyal readers that despite these changes, the theme of this blog will remain steadfast:  “I Love America and Specifically The U.S. Justice Department.”

Tomorrow I will continue my series on “How to track down people you’re looking for on Twitter even when they’ve changed their handle the day the freaking U.S. Justice Department starts reading your blog which was obviously written by Steve Farnsworth.”

Illustration: Yes, that’s a real pizza. From www.passion-4-pizza.com

A few months back I did a fun interview with Susan Wassel, the social media voice for Sharpie pens.  Susan made me a believer. If you can bring pens to life over Twitter, just about anything is possible. 

So here is a debate I have with my customers: Do you have a real person (like Susan) represent your company on social media or a corporate logo with a rotating line-up behind the scenes (like most companies)?

Susan represents the ying and yang of this argument.  On the positive side, she has built a faithful following of nearly 4,000 who tune in to hear the latest Sharpie adventures of her friends and family.  She is an enthusiastic, charming woman who has come to personify the brand online.

Now the downside.  Some day Sharpie Susan will move on.  Remember the feeling you had when they replaced the first “Darren” on Bewitched?   That was hard to take.  There was a pretender in the role.  I don’t want a SharpieKim or SharpieFred or even (gasp) SharpieDarren.  I want my SharpieSusan dammit.

This is the ultimate two-edged sword of establishing your company’s voice online.  What happens when a solitary person BECOMES the brand?  Where do all those followers go when your spokesperson leaves … and joins your competitor for more money?  Sure, the company will survive, but why make the investment in developing the talent when you don’t have to?  Avoid the risk.

If you’re a talented communicator with a great personality interested in being a corporate social media persona, this is great news by the way.  Becoming your company’s social media rockstar may be the ultimate job security.  Or, you might be sentencing yourself to social media hell. Do you really want to be the company Pat Sajak for the next 20 years?  Any way, we will certainly see a growing number of popular corporate bloggers whose importance and value to the company will grow exponentially.

To close the loop, my recommendation to my customers is to provide a real face to the world. Nobody wants to relate to a logo.  But I don’t have answers to the hard questions I’ve raised here, either.  Let’s hear from you on the subject …